It’s that time of year folks! November is finally over. You’ve gained 5 pounds, but you could probably stand to gain 5 more. Bring on the holidays! Time to crank up Warm 106.9 and listen to Delilah spin those Christmas classics. Prepare yourself to listen to hundreds of versions of the same 10 songs for the next month and fucking LOVE IT! Listening to Micheal Buble try to sing the sexually charged “Santa Baby” as a man and not make it weird never gets old. ”I’ve been a sweetie all year, Santa buddy / So hurry up the chimney tonight”. Awesome.
Not to mention the decorations. If your apartment looks like a gloomy prison meant for crying and drinking alone, throw a Christmas tree in it. Boom! Magical. A nativity scene would be even better. My co-blogger Thomas suggested a live nativity scene involving a group of people, dressed up as shown below, assembling in an unsuspecting neighbors front lawn, and acting out a full graphic birth scene. It’s even better than caroling! It was the greatest thing that’s ever come out of his mouth. (NOTE: Getting a live camel may be tough, so plan ahead)
After said neighbors have thanked you and provided you with refreshments, move to the next block. You’re welcome quiet neighborhood of St. Louis Heights! Especially you, that one creepy neighbor who always plays TV super loud and glares at me from his creepy window. You’re getting nativitied big time.
All these aspects make Christmas great, but there is something that will contribute much more to your overall enjoyment of the Holidays: Christmas sweaters. If you don’t have one, you might as well tattoo bah humbug on your forehead and steal presents from little impoverished orphan children. Here’s a little sample of what I’m talking about.
This guy NAILED IT! As a bonus, he’s supplementing his zip-up sweater vest with an amazingly stylish turtleneck. Everyone appreciates a good Christmas sweater, so sometimes they’re hard to find. I myself had to cut the shoulder pads out of a glorious plus size woman’s cardigan, but it’s now my prized possession. Don’t limit yourself. And don’t needlessly restrict the sweater’s uses. Don’t use them only for ugly Christmas sweater parties, these bad boys merit more frequent wearings. Business meeting? Hello promotion! First date? Only if you plan on getting some! Gym? Sweater vest, no shirt, gun show! Parent/teacher conference? Better believe the elementary teacher will be wearing one. And if you want their respect, so will you.
The power of the Christmas sweater is magnified when combined with other Christmas sweaters. A group of people getting together, wearing Christmas sweaters, drinking copious amounts of hot buttered rum, and posing for awkward photos, is likely to be the greatest party of the year. Make it happen! To exemplify this point, I Google image searched “awkward family photos + Christmas sweaters” and came across a surprising trend. The somewhat disturbing prevalence of male nudity in family photos. Since male nudity, ugly sweaters, and awkward family photos are three of the funniest things ever, you can imagine the results.
There are many more like this! View at your own risk. But no matter what you do, pick up a Christmas sweater, and be good for goodness sake! Happy Holidays!